Welcome to the jungle of life

This is my first attempt at building a site. I don't expect it to be much. In fact, I think I'll keep it plain text. My porpouse is just to express myself and my felings.
The early songs are quite childish, but I've included them anyway, maybe someone will like them...
The latter songs are more mature but still, they also may sound naive to those who are more grown now, like me.
Theese songs are just a few of what I had written and most of them don't speak to me anymore...
I'll add the others when I'll find them & have the time to type them in.

I'd like to say a big thank's to SouLight for showing me some things and in general just for being there. I don't think you realize how much you helped me.
One more figure had changed my life in a similar way. This person may not even realize how dear I hold him. This is the kind of friendship that must never end.
Words can not express the depth of my apriciation and caring. But a simple word just might be able to do it. Thank you Emily.
Also, a huge thanks to StarMan. Who reads this page and looks for mistakes I usualy overlook.

And a thanks to someone who'll never hear it... .

I see life in a diferent way now than I saw before. The way I look at the world now is not the way I did a year, a month, even a day ago. I know that in the future I'll look back and laugh at myself but I can't predict what the future will be. Carpe diem.

How strange it is for me to look back at what I wrote and realise I don't think like that anymore. To look at my own words and laugh...

Ther's so much more needed to be said. Needed by me, not for you, whoever you may be.
Writing is the expression of our own toughts and feelings. This is the gateway to a better life for us.
I didn't say anything worthwhile in here. Maybe I'll do it some day, when it'll stop raining on me.

20.9/2000

It seems that just when you think life is a little bit better, it get's even worst.
This is exactly what Murphy talked about. How sad.
Wrote some more texts, this time in Russian. Maybe I'll translate them. If I'd have the power and what's more important, if I'll have the ability.

25.10/2000

It seems that just when you think life get's worst, it actually get's better. You just don't know it does.
It's so painfull to hear: "We will remain just friends". Not the fact of lost. That's nothing, but the fact she is right. The fact it was best if you were 'just friends' from the begining. And only when you realize this, only then, it starts to hurt.
You look at her, you feel her scent, you touch her skin... You live her.
And yet you know, things aren't the same now. Something had changed.
Why poeple don't see when a relationship falls apart? They see! As hell they see!
The goal lies in admiting. Admiting you've failed. Admiting you weren't able to cooperate with the one you hold so dear. Admiting, and feeling the pain. The known pain of loss, of broken hearts, of love gone away...

28.10/2000

Just had one of the most beautiful erotic dreams I'd ever had.
It's usually hard to understand what a dream may mean, but one thing it does for sure, it shifts our attention to the subject.
Maybe it's the way our subconsience asks for more information, or maybe it just realized something and now want's the consience mind to do the same (I'm going on the therory in which the subconsience is a seperate 'thread', if I may use the compubabble, inside our mind. Then again, maybe it's not).

4.11/2000

And again, the question of Love comes out.
As always, I'm a bit confused as to who I am and what I feel.
What do I mean when I say I love someone? Do I mean what I always meant or is it something else, a new feeling?
When I say I'm in love, am I lying? And if so, who am I lying to?
I'm afraid to use this word because I don't know what it means to me.
Are there stages to love? Can you measure how much one loves something?
I never stoped loving someone, no matter what. So how can I say to someone I love her more then life itself after I already said that to someone else?
And if one love faded, who can asure me the other one will not?
I live in fear of loosing. Loosing the ones I love, loosing myself.

2.1/2001

She left. They both did.
One is not my fault, and who knows, maybe so is the other one.
One I have known since she was born. We used the same pot.
And the other? The other I just met. I met her exactly 4 months ago. And not even in person, we met online. We met in one of those "chat room", this is how people who'd never been to them call it.
I love her. And I love her too.
One is a friend & sister.
The other is also a friend. And a lover. And a mother. And a sister.
It wasn't her fault, she had to leave, her parents made her. She'll be happy in Canada. She'll like it there. It's not the end of the world, is it?
It was her descision to stay there. I don't blame her, how, and why shoould I? She's happy in Canada. She likes it there. It's not the end of the world, is it?
We spent a lifetime togther. I did not cried as I watched the taxi disapear behind the curve. The tears came later. My throat is still dry now, while I write.
We spent together a week. A wonderfull, heavinly week. Even though it was not perfect I will always look up to this week. The last night we were together I cried. I cried like a baby, even tough I had not known it was the last one. Maybe I felt it. I haven't saw her again. A tear fell when she told me she is coming back to her ex husband. I still think of her, I don't think I will ever stop.
She changed my life. They both did.

2.3/2001

Don't write when you're drunk!
Most people won't understand what was it that you tried so hard to explain.
On second sight, I think I should have erased that. But I'm in the nasty habit of never erasing soemthing I wrote. The way I see it, if I wrote it, I did it for something.
We drift thrugh life, and everyone has got their good, and bad days. Sometimes, you write things that are best left unsaid at a surtain time. But, what done is done, and I never erase...
I believe in honesty. I believe the best way is to let the other know what you feel, or what you might feel, 'cos most time you yourself are to confused and hurt to realize your own feelings.

15.4/2001

As this week comes to it's end I'm, once again, confronted with new ideas, and somewhat diferent ways of looking at the world.
I can't say I had not changed, but we change every moment we think.
Had this week brought anything new to me? Depending on the point of view, you can go both ways. I realized some new things, changes the way I look at others, but, if to look at the 'big picture', I'm still the same. But isn't that picture composed of many small changes? So, maybe after all I'm not the same.
I'm surounded by so many trully wonderfull people. Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere.
But how can you tell when to draw that line? The tricky task of balancing between what you think, and what you feel.
Can I say it? Is it allright to do this? Will I be able to live with myself afterwards? Will it hurt someone? (This one should be put first in this line)
I feel like I need to say something more, and yet, ther's nothing left for me to write.
Maybe my life is already partially, and not even consciesly controlled by someone else?

21.4/2001

Pink Floyd comes to mind: "Sitting in the bunker, here behind my wall..."
I just wrote a whole bunch of silly stuff. I don't even know how to comment it. It must be read.
When my HD crushed some time ago, I lost everything on it. The most sad things were the photos and Nicks of those I talked with online, and their contact numbers. Also, I lost all my poems. Luckly for me, just some time before that SouLight was given a copy of them, so when I got a new HD I managed to get them back(not without some problems, as her HD had some trouble as well). And now, at 3:16am, April 30, 2001 (the trumpets go here) I can finally put them online.
Brrrr....
4:13. Finaly finished with all the HTML formating. I think I'll hit the sack now.
If only you knew how much I miss. How much I miss so many people...

30.4/2001

It's hard being a friend. It's rewardng, it fills me with happiness when I'm being listened to, and when someones soul opens to me. It's an indescribable feeling, walking the path into someones life. Listening. Hearing what somebody has to say is an expirience unmatched. Indeed!
Have you ever wanted to take a friendship to the next level?
There's always this shivering spark at the distant horizon, the spark of a relationship more deep, more intence. This spark is so attractive, but it also can sting. It's a narrow path, and I'm not sure I know how to walk it.
Have I said before that life is complicated? Well, if I haven't yet, I'm saying it now. Life is complicated! You never know what you get, and even when you get something you can recognize, it usually turns out to be something you excpected to see the least.
One kiss... a whole world...
Life is wonderous, don't you think? Just look around you, and breathe...
"can someone tell me if it's wrong to be so mad about you?" -Hooverphonics

3.5/2001

As I said before: Brrr....!
I just read it all again. It sucks!!!
Maybe I'm judging myself to hard(I don't think so), but that stuff is just bad rhyming.
Maybe I should go back to writing in Russian? I prefer the language, it's richer. And I know it much better.
Have you ever read Pushkin?

3.5/2001

This things looks more and more like a diary. Maybe I should start having a real one? But I'll want to have it in digital anyway, so what's the use.
Looks like I have less to say about life with each day that passes by.
 

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For comments you're welcome to write to Free-Mind@mail.ru
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FreeMind, 24.9/2000